The other day I finally put out a poster that my partner got me a year ago for Christmas, albeit on request. For my fear of messing up the walls, it remained out of the way and hidden, face against the wall, unloved and unviewed for a year and a month. 

However, a week ago, I decided to change the set up in the second bedroom, the room where I work, and the poster finally received its opportunity for display on a side table.

I figure even if it disappears from my view when novelty fades, at least it has the opportunity to occasionally interrupt my thinking.

The poster is a quote from Carl Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot, overlaid on the Pale Blue Dot image, showing the Earth as a spot sitting in some kind of light beam. I specifically wanted this because at that moment in time, I really wanted some physical representation, a reminder that there is something beyond the trappings of everyday life. There is a whole fucking cosmos out there after all.

The last couple of hundred years has given us the privilege of making concrete our understanding of the infinity in which we sit – the concreteness of how small we really are, mere specks. Keep zooming out, further, and further, and further. Now try to find us. 

This is what Is – we find ourselves within something that is just so incomprehensibly vast. 

Incomprehension

So incomprehensibly vast.

And yet.

And yet I want to comprehend this vastness. 

I don’t want to just intellectually comprehend this vastness, I want to comprehend it deep down, to feel it, experience it running through my body. 

I want to know how to access feeling it, experiencing it. 

I want to feel awe and wonder and marvel at the vastness and the joy for being alive as a mere speck. 

I want to weep at the miracle of it all and feel fervour, because as we are mere specks life is more precious, not less. 

I also want quiet contentment – simple, serene acceptance that I exist within this vastness. 

I don’t want the novelty of this thought to fade, entering my consciousness every now and then. I want to be conscious of it.

Juxtaposition

And yet, when I look at the current moment, it feels impossible to gain even a slight amount of access to this awe and wonder and marvel and joy for being alive. I’m in my 2 bed flat in London on a cloudy winter day, having just stared at my computer screen for six hours, moving numbers around a spreadsheet and pinging firefighting emails out. I’ve been sucked in, spit back out and then sucked back in. My eyes are tired and I’m irritable. I’ve been sitting down for most of the day. The little daylight there is out the window is fading. Even if my mind can explain to me that there is vastness, I am within it right now, I am it, to me it feels like just a high and mighty thought, beyond me and my surroundings. And experiencing the vastness running through my body? Jog on mate. 

In my everyday life, I experience many moments of not considering the vastness in which I find myself, let alone comprehending it. However, if I really think about it, I honestly want to reconcile my everyday life with the feeling of being part of the vastness of the universe – make one agree to the other.

The plan

So then the question is now I’ve established what I want, how do I actually set about my doing in accordance with this?

The base of my thinking is that I have to start with cultivating my intellectual understanding, and gradually from that it will sink in more deeply. 

1. Noticing – notice that this is what Is – there is vastness, I am in the vastness, I am the vastness. Without noticing this and focussing on it, it won’t be the thing that I consider. I’m going to set a reminder on my phone. Towards the late afternoon is when I feel the most distant from the vastness, so it will be most difficult to access this feeling. This is exactly when I should take some time to notice. In the early morning or late evening is when I find it easiest, I should do it then to reinforce. 

2. Allowing the thought to sit – When focussing on it, I have to make the choice to give time to this thought to sit in my mind, to hold it in my mind’s eye, to mull it over. I have to prioritise it over whatever work I’m doing, even if I feel guilty because I think I should be working or doing something else. I’m going to set a timer for 5 minutes. If I get real with myself, it’s only 5 minutes, and this is my priority, so screw everything else. I will go sit in a bathroom or walk around outside or wherever. I think reducing distractions is key: no people, phone, whatever else.

3. Environment placing – The other strand to follow is that I’m more likely to notice vastness when I’m in vast surroundings – big skies, open country, naturally big things e.g. the sea or mountains. Living in the city at mostly ground level, I’m consistently walled in, and if I am higher up, then I’m behind glass. I have to actively put myself in vast spaces, which I’m going to self-define as not having buildings or any other objects blocking my line of view of the horizon. I need to work out where my nearest vast spots are, and then place myself there. 

Everything Carl Sagan said was correct – The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. This is what the poster brings – the vastness into a place that doesn’t feel vast. Let’s see if I’m able to utilise the poster as I intended!

Don’t get it twisted.

Let me know how you interact with the vastness.