The other day I was reading Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron, and one of the chapters is about ‘lighten up’ and play, and it reminded me of a previous thought I had had about introducing more play, more frivolity into my life, as I can be very serious for long stretches of time. Urgh, I cringe writing this, but I’m often seriously thinking about trying to be more one with the universe, becoming more aware, thinking about saving money, thinking about how to manage colleagues at work, thinking about the work itself, being the sensible one (that’s the role I seem to inhabit in my relationship). A lot of logistics. Not much play. 

Sure, I go see friends and have a laugh, but I’m not talking about ‘play’ in the sense of ‘play time’ i.e. leisure. I mean play in terms of the ‘sense of play’, ‘being playful’. I don’t know what the strict definition is, but for me it means a feeling of lightness, a cheekiness, laughter, creativity, collaboration, fun, warmth, joy. 

There is a time and place for it, but I think that there’s a lot more time and place for it than I would presume, maybe like 80-90% of the time and place. Even if there’s noone around, I can still be playful with myself. Why not?

Where is the sense of play?

Anyway, the main point I wanted to get at here was that I wanted to have this sense of play. So I asked myself where is the sense of play in me? I don’t know how to describe it, but I just kind of started trying to find it in me, scanning my body-mind for it.

Ummm….nope, not there….no, not there either…hmm. Maybe it’s because asking the question to my intellect is not going to just make it appear? Let me test that by asking ‘where is the sense of seriousness in me?’ BAM. Okay, so that’s right there in my face. I found that immediately. So serious, I can feel it in my breathing. Okay. Hmm. What about, ‘where is the sense of indifference in me?’ Ooooo, yeah. I feel that one right there in my chest. I’m not surprised that’s there. ‘Where is the sense of tiredness in me?’ Yeah, around my eyes (it was on my commute back from the office). Check.

So asking the question ‘where is the sense of x’ is actually a useful prompt for identifying where something is within me if I ask. Who knew. I can find the sense of indifference, the seriousness, the tiredness, so where’s the sense of play in me?

No but really, where is it?

I realised I couldn’t find it anywhere. There was no sense of play in me in that moment. I felt a bit sad about this, because man, that’s a bit sad. However, I wasn’t floored, because I have experienced a sense of play before, so I know that it is in me somewhere, and I also know what it is when it’s here, so I know I’ll recognise it, and I know that having a sense of something comes and goes – so I have hope.

It’s quite amusing, all this seriousness about thinking about how important joy is and how to experience joy, and yet I have no sense of play to unlock the joy! 

I kept asking myself over the course of three days, ‘where’s the sense of play in me’? And it kept not being there. Until one time I noticed something. It was somewhere around my solar plexus. I imagine it’s kind of like going fishing – the moment when you’ve been waiting hours for a bite and suddenly the line goes taut. Low key exhilaration. I was like, aha, I have found play. I let it be for a moment, but then I had the realisation that I could also act on the play, indulge it, carry it further. I was by myself on the Tube commuting, so I just basked in the feeling of lightness of it, entertaining myself with amusing thoughts. 

And then the next day at work I felt it again, and because I was with someone who I could be playful with, it was fun. I definitely want to spend more time being playful, but with the recognition it’s a process, not a permanent thing.

As I write this, I also had the realisation that when I’m playing – that is undoubtedly me. I mean, when I’m serious it’s me as well, of course it’s all me, but when I feel playful it feels like me expressing my self. My personality shines through. I have a confidence because I’m being who I am. My barriers to the outer world feel less imposing.

Takeaways

So my takeaways here are: 

• ‘Where is the sense of x in me?’ is a really amazing question, for in the moment, to help me identify whether I am feeling a sense of something or not.
• Play is a really good sense for me to be on the hunt for because I’m apt to lose it and it feels really good when I’m playful.
• I have a feeling that asking the question encourages the playful seed to grow a bit, and if it doesn’t, then I need to reflect on whether I’m putting myself in the conditions to allow the seed to grow.

Let me know your experiences!